Updated: Jan 14, 2021
No matter how much you may consider yourself open to new things, there is one thing all humans are picky about, who their Mario Kart character is. There’s a reason for this. Who you select as your go-to racer says a lot about who you are as a person.
Fuck astrology! You can learn a lot more about a person from which character they select on Mario Kart than you can from what half goat, fish, planet sign they are. Don’t believe me? Our buddy Mike Long from Dadurdays Brewing (@dadurdaysbrewing) slid into our DMs with the proof.
Mario – Natural leader, likes missionary sex and never skips the trophy ceremony at the end of the tourney.
Luigi – Says they’re adventurous but actually they’re a simple younger sibling.
Peach – Girl of the group or the guy who drinks kombucha and white claws. Shops at Whole Foods.
Toad – Into analytics, corrects everyone on technicalities, grammar police, know the secret roads on every track.
Yoshi – Fun loving, rarely plays, talks the entire race and doesn’t care who wins but usually wins anyway pissing everyone off.
DK – Stubborn, shuts the N64 off if they are losing and has the extra remote everyone needs to play. Will hold that over everyone’s head.
Wario – Total Wildcard. Don’t trust this person.
Bowser – That guy who likes to make everything a drinking game, insists you play “drink and drive.” Total bro.
You have to admit, this is pretty spot on! Thank you, Mike for the #content. Got anything to add, let us know!
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